Obsessive

I don't know if I'm compulsive but I'm def. obsessive. I listened to this song all day on repeat, I couldn't get enough: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=srMBZiqNMaM&ob=av2n I think I might actually throw up from an Alicia Keys overdose.

Anyways I was listening to this so much, so obsessively because I convinced myself I this song is about me and my ex thats in jail. I really started to miss him today. He has been locked up for a long time. I haven't gone to see him because hes in the box, and even if he wasn't --i don't think I would because of how he treated me the last time I saw him. His friend told me he was asking for me to visit him though, and the fact that he always seems to need me makes me feel special, it hits my soft spot. Its true what they say- when you miss someone you only think about the good parts of them, you seem to dismiss the bad. No matter what people say, I know theres more good than bad there. He just needs help...way more help that I could ever give. But somehow I feel that fate is pulling us apart, because of all this jail time, and my living situation. Maybe thats in my best interest but it crushes me not to be able to say " at least samuel loves me".

Other than that Im fat and miserable and tired all of the time. I have a doctors appointment next week to talk about my meds. she probably isn't going to help me. I really need a new doctor...one that doesn't blow me off and pays attention to me, but its really hard to find a shrink in Boston ill tell yah. Anyways I really SERIOUSLY need to stop sleeping my life away it makes me feel guilty and awful. I know some of it is because of boredom but i think theres something else wrong.

I'm not adjusted to my new living space yet. I dread being here. I liked living alone better. Now I live in a constant state of "what issue is next". I got an email from the guy i wanted to live with, turns out their house got sold... i feel bad..he wanted advice but i probably sounded jaded from my awful moving experience.

nobody loves me everybody hates me im gonna go eat worrrrmmmmsssssss.